I have an appointment set up Monday evening to look at a place. It would only be $330/month, but I would have a roommate. I’ve never lived with someone I didn’t know, but I’m not extremely opposed to it. The ad said that she was 20, female, has a dog, and is 420 friendly. So it sounds like we’d probably get along just fine. It might be nice to make a new friend as well. The apartment also comes furnished, which is a big plus seeing as I don’t have much furniture. I have a couch, but it was such a bitch getting into the house that I would rather leave it and ask him for money for it. I paid $190 for it, so I would be happy getting $100 from him. He also offered to give me $50 for the vacuum I paid half for.

I also have an appointment on Saturday to look at a small one bedroom for $590/month. It would be a sublease, and the current renter is willing to negotiate on price since she needs out asap for a new job. She posted pictures and it looks nice, but from what I can see it has very few windows. The other downside is that all the flooring is tile. And I do mean all of it. The kitchen looks like a decent size, though, and I would have my own place.

I’m just going to go look at both of them and not make a decision until I see both. I just hope that the girl looking for a roommate will be willing to wait until Saturday for me to let her know if I want it. I’m willing to pay a little extra for my own space, but at the same time if I could see myself getting along with this girl, it would be nice to save some money.

Guys, I just need to get out of that house. Just being there is breaking my heart. When I’m away I can pretend everything is okay. I can pretend that when I go home, Jesse will be there waiting for me. Waiting to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie and laugh with me at the really stupid parts. Maybe after that we’d make dinner and I’d get mad because he was in my way in the kitchen. But we’d kiss and make up and he’d sit at the table and talk to me while I cooked. Maybe we’d go get some frozen yogurt afterwards.

I know I did this to myself, but I have never loved anyone more than I love him. And I doubt I ever will. I just wish it wouldn’t have taken something like this to see it.

Every time he walks past me, I hope he will stop and put his arms around me and hold me while I cry and tell me everything’s going to be okay. That we’re going to find a way to fix this. That as much as I’ve hurt him he still needs me because he can’t live without me.

I baked today. I made cookies, and they were almost done and I was still upset so I baked brownies too. The mint chocolate kind because I knew he would like them. I made them for him, but I didn’t tell him that. Maybe I should have. While they were baking I finally went into the bedroom for the first time since yesterday morning. I took all my stuff out of the closet and out of the dresser and put it in the spare bedroom. It’s like I wasn’t ever there.

My heart hurts more than I ever imagined it could. I wonder how long it will be before I can stop crying every 5 minutes. I’m not even sure I’m going to work tomorrow. I know I need the money, but I’m a fucking wreck and I’m not going to embarrass myself by losing it. I know I will, because tomorrow is Monday and when our pizza vendor comes in, he will say, “I’m going to see the boy today.” Because he also delivers to the store where Jesse works on Mondays, and he always says it. No amount of preparation will help me for telling him that we’ve broken up.